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Taking it Slow vs Taking it Nowhere

24 Nov

Three nights ago, I went on a really good first date. Actually, I went on a great first date. The guy was fabulous on paper – attractive, successful, active, owned his own condo in Del Mar, a local San Diegan, and clearly quite smart. He’s the type of guy I have always thought I’d end up with.

And even better — he didn’t fall flat in real life. He was charismatic, funny, and quite chivalrous (paid, didn’t walk in front of me, drove me to my car, got out of his car to say goodnight…. etc).

But the best part of all… we really seemed like we were on the same page.

Both of us have done Match in the past, and both of us have jumped into “dating” after a great first date – only to realize that perhaps things should have gone a bit slower. So when this gentleman mentioned “taking it slow,” I was all for it! I readily agreed when he said that he thought the best relationships started out as friendships and he agreed with my many thoughts on our generation’s dating style. After much discussion, I felt great and I interpreted our conversation to mean that we were both interested in exploring where this could go, but weren’t going to do anything in a rush.

At the end of the night, I went for the hug. This seemed appropriate seeing as how we had just discussed taking it slow. Besides, I was pretty sure he was interested in me and I didn’t need to make out in a parking lot for confirmation.

Later that night he texted me good night and I thought, Neat! Still on track. Then the next day, he texted me again and I thought, Ok, cool. He’s definitely interested. I can’t imagine this guy is just THAT pumped to have a new female friend.

So we text back and forth for a while and eventually he asks me to come over to his house and hang out and have wine. Since he only lives a block away I figured, sure, why not. He also told me I could invite the roomie along; which didn’t weird me out because we’d talked a bit about our roomies and I had told him how both of us were new to the area and wanted to make Del Mar friends. Plus, since he and I discussed taking it slow, I decided it would make sense for me to bring her along.

Well, somewhere along the way, I must have gone wrong…

We show up and he gives us the tour (great house) and then we settle down on the couch. Now, I may have blown it a little in my choice of seating. I sat at the far end of the couch, my roomie sat in the middle, and he was left sitting as far away as possible from me. But still, I don’t think seating can be entirely to blame for what happened next.

His roomie came down and we were all just sort of hanging out, like the way I’d hang out with my guy friends. Just kind of talking shit and doing nothing – all of which was fine until somehow the conversation turned to rim jobs and anal sex. No, I am not making this shit up. Here we are, just hanging out, drinking wine and somehow, all of a sudden, I am being asked if I have ever taken it up the butt. And by a guy who had taken me on a lovely date the evening before!

Um, what the fuck is my response supposed to be to that?! This isn’t something I even talk about with my best girlfriends… it is certainly not something I am dying to divulge to a stranger. And as I am trying to figure out how best to respond to this awkward conversation, the cute guy decides to tell his own ass story.  Let’s just say it involved shit – which no matter how you spin it, isn’t the least bit romantic.

I kinda just became silent. How did we get here? What did I do that gave him the impression that I wanted to be one of the bros. Taking it slow was a great plan. But there should be some rules about just how “friendly” you get if you are still ultimately hoping for the possibility of a relationship one day.

Pretty shortly after this talk, I decided it was time to go. I probably wasn’t super nice, because let’s be real, I was in shock. So I gave the guy a hug, went home, and bitched about the evening for like 30 mins. After I calmed myself, I realized perhaps I could have been a bit less of an ice queen because in all fairness I am sure I am partly to blame for what happened. So in attempt to not appear to be an uptight, prissy bitch, I just sent him a quick text that said – “Thanks for the wine and the hospitality.” He responded right away and said, “Absolutely. You’re welcome anyime. Sorry about the butthole talk at the end there. I hope it didn’t make you feel awkward.”

I got that and thought, Huh, so you knew it was weird too…

After thinking about it, I think we have three possible scenarios going in here.

1. He isn’t interested in dating me. Plain and simple. He hasn’t kissed me and he’s asked me if I’ve taken it up the ass… sooo not exactly indicating romantic interest.

2. He is interested in dating me but he just got a little drunk and caught up in the bro moment. His roomie is clearly a bro (albeit a nice one) and my roomie and I are casual people. I could see how he might have just been in the moment and lost track of what is appropriate and what’s not.

And 3. He is interested in dating me but isn’t sure I am interested and so he is confused. If I look at my behaviors I have been nothing but platonic towards him, so perhaps he just figures I’m not into it.

Well whatever the case, the night provided me with some much needed learnings. Clearly I should have defined for myself the difference between taking it slow and taking it nowhere. For future reference, here are some guidelines for keeping it platonic without killing the chance of a romantic future.

  1. Flirt – Make it super obvious that you find the other person attractive. Touching, eye contact, etc, all OK. Sitting across the room and giving weak hugs, not super clear.
  2. Communicate openly – Our initial conversation about wanting to take it slow left me feeling great. I felt like we were having an open dialogue and I felt clear on the takeaway and the direction.
  3. Don’t enter a purely “friend” hang out sesh, right away – I set myself up for failure when I agreed to hang out on a Tues, in my sweats, with our roommates, at his house. If I had been smart, I would have declined that particular offer and waited for a more date-esque invite.
  4. Avoid drinking – If you are attempting to strike the balance between taking it slow and friendship, put down the glass. It’s a hard enough to play this right when you are cold sober. Add in a few gasses of wine, and things get confusing, fast.
  5. Speak up if something heads in the wrong direction – I really should have just stopped that conversation before we got to the multiple shit stories. I should have just said, “Uh uh, we are ladies and I don’t think it is appropriate to talk about this.”

In the end, I am actually a little sad that I had to learn this lesson on a good guy. I actually think we could fit well together, but I am afraid I may not have played my cards right. I haven’t given up hope though, that we may be able to get back on course because I did hear from him again last night.

Regardless, dwelling on the situation would just be depressing, so I’m not. Instead, I am going to think about how much fun I had out last night, rocking my amazing new Dylan George leather pants, and having conversations about things other than butts, asses, assholes, or anal beads. Now THAT is something to be thankful for. Happy Turkey day, y’all!

8 Responses to “Taking it Slow vs Taking it Nowhere”

  1. Guy November 26, 2011 at 6:53 am #

    What happened above is no accident. I call it MCPS, or Male Conditioned Personality Syndrome. It normally occurs on a first date when a woman reflects similar socially conditioned behaviors of her best male mates. Typically, women like this forget how to be women and in the process of a date, regress to more comfortable rapport that takes place in a sports bar rather than a 4 star restaurant.
    How to spot these women:
    Any mention of the following on their match.com profiles:
    loving sports, “getting along better with men than with women,”
    tomboyish behavior, or ratio of male to female friends 4:1
    and profile pics of herself and non captioned men. Seriously ladies, it doesn’t demonstrate higher value. It only makes you look like a slut.

    Honestly ladies, be a mature woman and never overstay your welcome on the first few dates. Leave us wanting more, and in consequence, taking you more seriously as a potential mate. Simple advice that so many women find difficult to understand.


    • Cali Bradshaw December 1, 2011 at 6:13 am #

      I agree with everything you said except for one tiny fact, I didn’t do any of those things. On the first date I was exceptionally lady like and my match profile doesn’t have a single mention of male friends or any pictures of a guy. That being said, I should have declined his offer to get together that second night. That was definitely too available… sadly I was just excited because I thought he was cool! Anywho, thanks for reading and for the comment. -Cali

    • RLH April 22, 2012 at 1:55 am #

      Ha! You’ve GOT to be kidding me, Guy! Clearly the Match.com D-Bag was raised in a barn and I wholeheartedly feel for Ms. Bradshaw for having to be subjected to such an awkward evening. My dear Cali, you were not an ice queen and it was not your fault that he chose to discuss that subject matter. You handled yourself with class!

  2. UrsulaOB December 22, 2011 at 2:14 pm #

    I have had two horrible experiences with MATCH.COM. The first guy “G” presented himself on his profile to be a low key, looking to settle down, future family man. He turned out to be an overgrown frat boy with 5 roommates (he had a good job, he just liked having that “dorm” feeling)and all he could talk about was beer pong, flip cup, and how much he HATED kids. When I asked why he said he definitely wanted them on his profile his response was “I find you don’t get as many dates when you say you don’t want kids.” I should mention this guy is turning 30 soon.

    The second guy “B” seemed promising but ended up being a total tool. We had two great dates and had pretty much everything in common. We wanted the exact same things out of life, had the same values/view points, and same thoughts. We would literally finish each others sentences and a few times he would say exactly what I was thinking. He was perfect for me. I went to his house and we had all the same movies (except of course some of the chick flicks I have). Heres where it all turns to sh!t. The weekend after our second date he had a business trip so we couldn’t hang out. For two weeks he was calling me non-stop saying he missed me, the following weekend couldn’t come soon enough, I was amazing, I’m the nicest girl, etc. Well the day we were supposed to meet up I text him to see if we were still on for that night. He responded he couldn’t hang out at all cause he had to get his dog! Then before I could respond to that, he sends me a bunch more texts in a row explaining why he couldn’t hang out the next 2 months! All of them were the lamest excuses too. When I texted “It sounds like you don’t want to see me again” his response was “IDK if I do, I don’t like your personality”. Now of course I’m hurt and confused. Afterall he had been saying I was the nicest girl and we had gotten along so well. So I text back “My personality?” His response:” Compatibility might be a better word. We’re not compatible. Besides I’ve realized my attraction to you is purely physical and if thats all there is, then I don’t want to see you again.”
    Now I’m even more confused because we had so much in common it was admittedly borderline creepy.

    Let me just make it clear that I did not sleep with this guy either, thats the first thing people ask when I tell them this story.

    So yeah I’m done with Match and online dating in general for awhile. I’m going to try to find people the old fashioned way for a bit.

  3. UrsulaOB December 22, 2011 at 2:18 pm #

    Just realized I accidently left this under the wrong article. Whoops, sorry :-\!

    • Cali Bradshaw January 13, 2012 at 4:40 am #

      Hahah no worries. Yes those stories are horrible! The thing is, I don’t think it is online guys vs regular guys… it is just guys. They are odd creatures sometimes. The first guy sounds like a real ass and I personally find that guys “lie” both intentionally and unintentionally in their online profiles all the time. The other guy just sounds lame. We’ll never know what his deal is, but I wouldn;t waste too much time thinking about it. He’s probably just one of those guys who doesn’t know what he likes and isn’t ready to commit. Anywho, hope the old fashioned way is woring out better for you! Thanks for the comment! -Cali

    • kamja March 14, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

      He didn’t go to a biz trip, he probably hooked up with another chick over that weekend. I found online dating is like window shopping. You see something nice, try it on, take it home, leave it in the closet, continue shopping, and hope to find something better.

      • Cali Bradshaw March 14, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

        Dear sir, I believe you commented on the wrong post. But in any event, your comment makes no sense. This guy, in this post, I did meet online. But there is nothing about him being out of town. He was in town, and awkward. In my most recent post, I talked about a guy who I had met at jury duty who was out of town on business. While I appreciate your suggestion, I am one hundred percent positive this guy is out of town on business. It’s his career. 3 weeks here, 3 weeks away – rinse and repeat. That would be a pretty elaborate lie, especially since he had to tell the court about it during jury selection….

        That being said, I think some woman and men tend to treat online dating that way – a distraction until something better comes along. But I’ve also found that some people take it much more seriously. Just depends on the girl/guy!

        Thanks for your perspective,

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