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Signs This Guy May Be A Douchebag

14 Jun

Some of you may remember a post a few months back when I shared what I was referring to as one of my best first dates ever. You may also remember a post directly after that titled, Why Hasn’t He Called. Sigh – I was svenned.

Well what you never heard was the follow-up to that post. After crowd-sourcing from my wonderful readers as to whether or not I should call him, I went for it. Ok technically, I went for a witty text, but same difference. It took homeboy ALL day to text me back and then when he did it was super lame and boring. We had a quick convo and then he told me he had been working 12 hour shifts everyday and he’d call me when he got less busy.

Yea right, I am not dumb. Let’s call it like it is, shall we? You just got back from 6 months of traveling abroad and you are currently living on someone’s couch. All you want is to party and hang out with lots of cute girls. But all that was too long to write as a text message, so instead I just responded with, “Cool, sounds good.”

His response/the last text I ever got from him… “Lates, sweetness.” I (understandably) cringed when I got this. What a douchey thing to text, especially when we both knew he would not be calling me! But I figured whatever, I would never see/hear from this dude again anyway, so no need to assess his level of douchiness.

Well I was wrong. Take a gander at the message I received from him on Match last night. Please note, I haven’t edited it whatsoever. The liberties he has taken with grammar and capitalization are all his own doing…

Your so hot, still not sure Why We stopped talking. Think i might know But doesnt really matter Anyways. I hope You Are happy and healthy. , J”

Holy hell. CLEARLY I underestimated his level of douchiness from the start. This isn’t just your average flakey guy. This guy must think he is pretty hot shit if he thinks he can get away with sending what has to be the most poorly written message in the history of the world to a girl he never called. What was my response supposed to be? Oh no worries! Let’s hang out now…And to then insinuate that I had something to do with why we never spoke again. Uh no, sir. Douche.

In hindsight, I can see his douchiness was there from the start, but I somehow missed/ignored the signs. In order to ensure that doesn’t happen again, I’ve decided to compile a list. Here are a few of the signs I should have heeded that this guy was, most definitely, a douchebag. My hope is that you can learn from my mistake.

Signs of Douchiness:

1. He talks about himself a lot. No really, like a lot. This dude actually said at one point, “Man I am talking about myself a lot, but let me just finish this story and then I’ll let you talk.” Dear sir, your story is not that interesting.

2. He makes you wait. No one else’s schedule is as important as yours, huh guy? This guy waited until 7 PM the night of our date to give me the details of our 8 PM date and THEN showed up 15 minutes late. No no, take your time.

3. He has a mustache. I’m sorry, I know this is discriminatory, but I feel like it is a pretty good sign.

4. He makes excuses. This guy had already tried the “I texted you, you must not have got it” excuse before we even had our first date. Then there were the excuses as to why he was late and the excuses as to why he was busy. Wa wa waaa. Man up.

5. He uses nicknames like sweetness. Wtf.

6. He over-compliments. A simple, “you look nice” –  always appreciated. Spending all night talking about how hot my body is, how great my style is, how beautiful my eyes are, yada yada yada – douchey. This is a first date. Pump the brakes.

7. He hates proper grammar. I should have seen it from the start. He had all these crazy capitals in his Match profile too. I can only imagine he thinks he is too cool for traditional grammar because I refuse to believe that anyone is unintelligent enough to actually think capitals belong at random in the middle of sentences.

8. He tells you how much he believes in chivalry. Guys who feel the need to say this always seem to be the ones who don’t have a chivalrous bone in their bodies. Pretty sure making out with someone and then never calling them doesn’t classify as particularly chivalrous. Perhaps you have not looked up the definition?

The truth is, there were probably a whole lot more signs that this dude was douchetastic, but I was too busy being enamored by his compliments and nice body to notice. Ladies, don’t fall victim to this trap. While these douchbags can be tricky to identify out in the wild, it is imperative that we start looking for, and paying attention to, the signs. Once you start hearing those “this guy is douchey” alarms going off in your head, it is time to run. In fact, run right on over here and leave me a comment on how you knew he was a douche. Maybe we’ll be able to get a nice little list going here that everyone can reference. Together we can weed these douchey guys out!

32 Responses to “Signs This Guy May Be A Douchebag”

  1. Single_Blonde June 14, 2011 at 2:12 am #

    Mustaches are TOTALLY douchy. I don’t even get how/why they became so in. There is absolutely nothing sexy about them. Makes me itch just thinking about it.

  2. Kelvin Kao June 14, 2011 at 2:58 am #

    When someone says ““Man I am talking about myself a lot, but let me just finish this story and then I’ll let you talk.”, the proper response should’ve been “I am gonna let you finish, but Beyonce had one of the best video of all time, OF ALL TIME!”

    Well, the compliments thing did work, whether it was douchey or not. In a way, if you are a guy not looking for anything serious, this is actually perfect.

  3. JJM June 14, 2011 at 3:41 am #

    Hmm…I agree that the better-looking a guy is (and in obvious ways, like the chiseled body or the coiffed hair or the high cheekbones or…et cetera), the harder it’s going to be to keep his attention or avoid falling into the games he spews at you. It sounds judgmental, but I suppose perhaps you should try avoiding the looks aspect of dating for a little bit to try to weed out the guys that have had girls fawning all over them for most of their lives and don’t really care for anyone but themselves; not saying you need to date unattractive guys, but maybe go for cute guys and their ilk and see if you can find a better fit personality-wise.

    I promise you, CB, we’re not all self-involved jerks, but men have needs/motivations, and sometimes you just catch them at the wrong time.

    Keep truckin’, girl, as I’m always pulling for you.


  4. R-Dizzle June 14, 2011 at 3:56 am #

    This sentence is pregnant, I think it missed its period.

    That’s what you should write back to him.

    I’m pulling for you, too.

  5. Greg June 14, 2011 at 7:04 am #

    Making a big deal about paying. Don’t worry babe I got this one wink ;)

    A man over 25 who goes to the gym everyday. Yes, staying in shape is good, but getting large muscles when you work in a cube all day means you are doing it just to pick up ladies. Can you tell me which way the beach is? It’s that a way, insert bicep flex and point.

    Believe it or not, but girls are genetically made to be attracted to douche bags. It is a sad, sad tale. At a womens sexual peak they are attracted to more masculine men, meaning muscles, more defined/square face, more testosterone, etc.

    Now if you happen to have a guy with these features, a lot of horny women are after you. Of course you are going to be more of a douchebag. When the girl gets off her hormone high and figures out you are a douche, you’re done with her anyways and on to the next. Girls are shocked that the guy they met ended up being a doushebag. It’s not that hard to tell and is kind of funny.

    Sadly, I have opposite features so I am not the desire of women’s sexual needs. Instead I get to cuddle…yea cuddling lol :*(

    • Cali Bradshaw June 15, 2011 at 4:24 am #

      Excellent additions. Yes over-working out is awkward. One of my exs used to obsess over the size of his arms and it would drive me nuts (especially because I thought they were perfect and normally sized). I don’t know about the whole woman liking more muscles and square faces things. Those are my least favorite traits! But I do think you are right that attractive guys are naturally douchey because they are used to being pursued.

      Thanks for your comment, Greg!

      PS Cuddling isn’t so bad!

  6. Courtney June 14, 2011 at 8:50 pm #

    Oh my god the “I got this ;)” VOMITRON 2000. I was hanging out with a friend from college last weekend who is absolutely a douche and he did that on our cab ride (which was $4) and I was just like ohhhh thanksss…so chivalrous of you.

    Eventually all those girls overdose on douches and settledown with nice guys, or they end up on Maurie contesting the baby daddy….so I wouldn’t be too worried. Haha. But until then…the twenties are a hard era for everyone involved.

    • Cali Bradshaw June 15, 2011 at 4:08 am #

      Hahaha YES – “I got this” is gross… And $4 dollars? Whoa dude, hope that doesn’t break your bank. Too funny! And yes, I hope to be out of the douche stage soon :) Thanks for the comment!

  7. nathan June 14, 2011 at 10:47 pm #

    I totally agree with the points made here. Dudes displaying this kind of behavior are best walked away from.

    I, do, have to wonder about the whole “chivalry” thing though. It’s a traditional standard, you know? The kind of thing that came with men being in charge, controlling the workplace, and society in general.

    Seems to me that women might want to be more specific about the qualities they really want in a man, instead of just saying they want chivalry. Because in my experience, it’s been a mixed bag employing some of those tenants. Pulling out chairs and holding doors open might be nice. But taking the lead all the time, and offering “protection,” to give to other examples, aren’t necessarily what many women want in a relationship, but both are implicit in chivalry.

    • Cali Bradshaw June 15, 2011 at 4:02 am #

      Thanks for the comment, Nathan! Yes, chivalry is definitely controversial these days (as evidenced by the comments about my post dating and money). But you are right, it is a mixed bag with what woman want. I think my recommendation to guys would be to just ask their ladies what they want. I for one like it when guys pull out chairs and hold doors open and take the lead most of the time. Not a huge fan of protection though….

      Anywho, thanks for reading!

    • Matt July 8, 2011 at 7:40 pm #

      The other point to be made here…is that assholes are often the most successful daters…so women lament and complain how chivalry is dead on one hand and then on the other REWARD these non-chivalrous douchers while ignoring the nice guy in the corner because “there’s no spark” lol…stop rewarding assholes for their behavior and chivalry may stop being a cheesy thing guys hint at only to get you in bed.

      • Cali Bradshaw July 9, 2011 at 9:58 pm #

        Hi Matt,

        Thanks for the comment. I see what you are saying, but I think that’s a pretty big over-generalization. I don’t know that all woman ignore nice guys, I see lots of nice guys dating nice girls. And I don’t think these assholes are successful at dating because they are asses. It’s more likely because they are hot. And because they are hot, they have become assholes.


  8. Single Steve June 22, 2011 at 11:05 pm #

    Deer Calibradshaw Sweetness,

    I think UR so dam sexy. You make me mmmmmmm. LOL. You know wut I MEan babe? I just waNTed to let you Know how awesome I am aND …………your miSSing out. I dont know why we stOPped talking but I think I know why. Hope you are healthy as a horse. ,S

  9. Elle June 23, 2011 at 3:14 am #

    UGHHH…. Sweetness, Sweetheart, Beautiful, Honey, Princess, Baby Doll… UGHHH….

    Two days ago I lost it on one of the dudes I’m dating because he cannot restrain himself from calling me this shit. I’m not one for ultimatums, but I told him the next time he called me one of those names would be the last time he was calling me.

    • Cali Bradshaw June 24, 2011 at 4:37 pm #

      Bwhahah good! We must teach these men… Un. Acceptable. Period.


  10. Elle June 23, 2011 at 3:18 am #

    Wait…. did he have a moustache?

  11. Kelsey July 3, 2011 at 2:21 am #

    Cali – I only had one big comment on this, but chivalry! At 17, you know how I am about chivalry, oh, it’s dead, none of my guys friends even know what it is, dah dah dah oversaid.

    Well, I realized the other day if I wanted chivalry, I was gonna do something about it. My one best friend, who tells me all the time chivalry is dead, was walking me up to McDonald’s the other day (classy, right?) and I was like okay, you get closer to the cars. And he responds with, “Oh, that’s like chivalry right?”
    FACEPALM. Needless to say, I’ve never planned to date said best friend.

    Oh, chivalry. Some day I will find you in a wonderful non-douchey guy who respects my wishes and values.

    • Cali Bradshaw July 10, 2011 at 3:23 am #

      Hi Kelsey!

      Ohhh chivalry. Yes, it is hard to find, but I like that you are trying to teach your best guy friend. Sounds like he still has a way to go ;) But yes, someday you will find a chivalrous and non-douchey guy and luckily for you, you have plenty of time! Oh to be 17 again!

      I will say, it is great that at such a young age you are already holding guys to such high standards! That will serve you well…

      Thanks for reading,

  12. Matt July 8, 2011 at 7:28 pm #

    Well I certainly agree w the grammar and the talking about yourself too much….can’t get with you on the punctuality thing though…as long as there’s a phone call to let you know saying something to the effect of “hey im running late because of x,y,z, and I’ll be there at (insert new time here)” I dont understand what the huge deal is if someone’s 15 minutes late to a date…yes yes I know you’re on the whole “let’s approach dating like it’s a job kick,” and in some ways I think that’s a very intelligent way to approach it…but at the end of the day…jobs are WORK…which means (for most of us) it’s the stuff we do to live, not the stuff we live to do…if dating becomes too much like work than why do it? And don’t feed me the “relationships take effort” line because that’s clearly not the point I’m making. For me personally, I spend my entire professional life (which adds up to about half of my waking existence) I have to be so punctual with EVERYTHING. I dont want to have to be a time nazi during the limited amount of time for fun I have in my life. Yes obviously there are exceptions…dude shows up an hour late to meet your parents = DOUCHE….but if our plan is to grab take out and cuddle up for a movie on the couch…and I’m 15 minutes late…and you lambaste me to the point of ruining the night (as opposed to a good natured smart ass quip or the like) I’m not going to continue to date a girl like that…if that makes me a douche…well ok I suppose I can see your perspective…but from my perspective if that REALLY shakes you up that much you should probably see a proctologist to remove the stick that is firmly entrenched up your ass…course that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

    • Cali Bradshaw July 10, 2011 at 2:47 am #

      Hi Matt,

      I hear ya, and if it was just the late thing one time, it would be a total non-issue. But the showing up late, in conjunction with everything else, just adds to the douche factor. That being said, generally speaking punctuality is appreciated on a first date. It is a nice way of showing that you are trying to impress and is just generally polite.

      Thanks for the comment,

  13. Patrick July 9, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    As far as mustaches go, it’s much worse when the woman has one.

  14. Lana November 11, 2011 at 1:54 pm #

    I have met many many douchebags from my experience with college athletics… And athletics in general:
    1. Asks for you to dye your hair blonde- bc it’s the only good color
    2. Compliments strictly you only before you have sex- also an indication of low oxygen supply to brain.
    3. Asks you to wear tighter, smaller clothing- bc the stuff you’re wearing makes you look boring
    4. Speaks loudly – like he’s got a mega phone down his chest
    5. Puffs out his chest – likely has some genetic relation to a pigeon and or peacock
    6. Doesn’t know what his own major/ life plan is other than “me get rich, take many girls back to home …( do u mean cave?)”
    7. Texts pictures of himself flexing to you immediately when he gets your number
    8. If you call him more than 3 times per week youre put somewhere on a scale between needy and stalker… It’s a continuum… Depending on the level of douchiness… This is likely the best way to identify a douche.
    9. His time with his man pals is emphasized so much you understand you are always goin to be “the little wifey type”
    10. He “buys” you things… He thinks you don’t know his company gives him for FREE.
    11. You find out he has kids after knowing him for months… The wrong way.
    12. He has a super preference for beers in which he and his friends binge drink on… They develop a bond though deciding which beers “are not cool enough for them”
    13. They think wet t shirt contests are the best thing ever..
    14. They think professional cheerleader are classy Christian girls who just love to dance…(in hot pants, with their breasts jiggling visibly?.. Making blatanly sexual gyrations??)
    15. They think reading is for dumb losers
    16. They don’t like words that sound “too smart”
    17. Being confident= doing what I say…
    18. They have mental orgasms when they see expensive cars, but lack any life plan or aspiration to get the car they say so profit will be theirs..
    19. They quote rap songs and tell you you can have whatever you like… But then take you out to McDonald on your first date…

    • Cali Bradshaw November 17, 2011 at 1:31 am #

      Um, this is quite possibly the greatest comment I have gotten to date. EXCELLENT additions. Thank you! My faves are: 1 (have had that hapen) 5, 7, 16, and 19. Thanks

  15. Francis January 12, 2012 at 5:51 am #

    Amazing. This explained the boy I thought I loved exactly. Every single tip.

  16. Kimberly January 19, 2012 at 10:18 am #


    I came across you some how, I don’t even remember what path of random link clicking brought me here, but here is where I landed. Here is where I spent the last….oh tomorrow is going to hurt, I’ve been reading for hrs. It’s 2:30 am. I love you outlook on things, and this particular piece came at a most appropriate time and made me able to laugh at the whole situation. I hate to break it to you though, douches don’t disappear after your 20’s. Oh no, they are still right here…they have completely mastered their doucheyness.

    So, in closing. Thank-you for the most entertaining night on the internet in a long while. I am off to read one more: ladies, meet Sven, then bed. Busy day tomorrow.

    I look forward to more!

  17. Grace March 8, 2012 at 7:32 am #

    Haha, I just read the posts from your first date with this guy and how you were excited and then wondering why he didn’t call to now being totally over idiot/calling him out on his douchey behavior. Great posts!

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