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How To Get Friendzoned

2 Sep

Guest Post By Sawyer

I remember having a huge crush on this girl towards the beginning of my freshman year in college. She had it all; she was hot and, well, she was hot. So I did naturally what most guys would do in this situation. I got her number, played it safe, and acted like one of her pals in hopes that I’d be able to “romance” her into having a thing with her. I was a great guy, she just couldn’t see it. I was nice, I didn’t offend her, I agreed with her, and I listened to all her problems, I was always there for her. No, you know who I really was? I was a manipulative little asshole who thought, that by some magical way, forgoing my needs and listening to hers would result in me getting into a relationship or her pants. I became a guy who ran around and saw girls as “objectives” and having sex was the ultimate accomplishment. That’s probably what I’m most ashamed of in my life up to this point. I borderline de-humanized women and didn’t even consider that they had feelings and insecurities just like myself. There were so many things wrong about what I used to do, that come out in this situation I had with this specific girl.

1.Let’s start with the reason why I even liked her in the first place; she was hot and she showed me attention. This is so needy it’s almost an immediate turn-off to anyone. It shows you don’t have standards and you’ll take whoever shows interest in you, even if they aren’t right for you.

2. I never told her or showed her how I really felt about her. Had I done this, two things would’ve happened; I would have started dating this girl, or she would reject me and then I could move on with my life and not waste any more time. The reason I didn’t tell her is because I didn’t really like her, I liked the idea of the possibility of someone liking me. Everyday I would hope she would see something in me, but I would never tell her how I felt because if she rejected me, what would I have to look forward to in life? This way of thinking is so toxic and pathetic, it trickled over into other aspects in my life.

3. I thought by agreeing with her and being her friend that I would will my way into her romantic life. Not a chance. Yes it is true, guys and girls can just be friends, I know a lot of women who I consider as a purely platonic friend. However, I’d be willing to bet any of the ladies reading this, if they asked their guy friends if they at one point ever wanted something more than just being friends, about 3 out 4 would answer yes if they were being completely honest. This is why guys get friendzoned. They mask their true intentions because they’re too scared that they’ll be seen as a creep, so they play it safe. I know because I did this for years and I wasn’t being nice, I was lying to the girls I knew and myself.

If you’re sitting around moping to yourself and thinking, “Oh I’m such a nice guy, all she dates are assholes and she constantly tells me she wants a nice guy, why can’t she see it in me?”  I’ve got one thing to say to you, fuck you. You’re not being nice, you’re trying to manipulate a girl into getting with you, in fact you’re probably just as bad as those “assholes” she dates. I went through the same exact thing and now I know how wrong it is. Get off your ass, take a risk, and go tell the girl you’ve been crushing on how you really feel.

4 Responses to “How To Get Friendzoned”

  1. Karol September 3, 2013 at 4:04 am #

    I’m inclined to agree with you!

    I’ve seen the manipulation you’re talking about firsthand. I had a male friend who I thought was just that, a friend. But he would make sly remarks and try to be flirty and it eventually came out that he would rather our relationship be sexual. I felt like the whole relationship was a facade, he wasn’t listening to my problems or hanging out with me because he cared to, he just wanted to get laid. Not cool “/

    Really nice to have a male POV for the blog, btw! :)

  2. Sawyer September 4, 2013 at 3:48 am #

    Thanks, I always love to know when someone appreciates my opinion on something!

  3. Evan September 6, 2013 at 1:24 am #

    People don’t realize that proximity alone has a positive influence on attraction:

    Women hate to admit how emotionally vulnerable they can become, likewise guys are much more patient and persistent than most women realize. The simple fact is, even when we’re not on the prowl, the hunt doesn’t necessarily end.

    All it takes is a moment of weakness, proximity, and good timing. It’s easy to rag on the pathetic schlubs who hang around like a stale fart hoping to be some sweet girls backup plan but nobody likes to talk about the cases where it has worked. Here’s 2 common scenarios…

    Scenario 1: The ‘Samwise Gamgee’ Fantasy

    A guy is going after a girl who is out of his league. Her relationship is a little rocky but he’s always there to pick her up. Her bf doesn’t give her enough attention but he makes a point to send her cute photos and funny texts every day to cheer her up. When she gets into a fight and need somebody to talk to he’s always ready to lend an ear and validate her with compliments and reassuring statements like, “you’re too good to let some guy treat you that way.” He knows not to intrude too much so she doesn’t become suspicious. The key is, when she’s broken and in pieces he’ll be there to help her pick herself up. Interfering with her relationship is the ‘right thing’ to because she deserves to be treated better. His role is to look out for her feelings. He probably tells himself, “she just needs to see what a great guy I really am, I’ll be the guy she really needs.”

    The reality is, he’s a vulture. She’s too good for him and/or he’s too much of a pussy to take a risk when she’s at her best. Chances are, she’ll be more amenable and willing to settle with a ‘good guy’ when she’s heart broken. Maybe it’ll work out for him, maybe he’ll lose patience and start whining about being ‘friend zoned.’ Either way, he’s probably not good enough to begin with.

    Scenario 2: The ‘Understanding Ex’

    A relationship breaks up and the guy moves on to do his own thing but makes a point to keep in touch. He acted like a huge douche during the relationship but the pain/frustration fades with time and he seems like a genuinely nice guy now. Maybe things have changed, or maybe things are just better off this way.

    Until the next break up. Then he’s quick to come to the rescue. This time it’s not you and him fighting, he’s there to back you up because deep down ‘he loves you’ and ‘wants what’s best for you.’

    The reality is, he’s a wolf.

    Joe Rogan sums it up perfectly:

    The game is simple. It’s 100x easier to sleep with somebody that you’ve already been comfortable with on a sexual level. It could be the familiar smell, the stupid funny little jokes he makes to cheer you up, that ‘thing’ he does that really turns you on. All those little interactions that are special to you two and he knows exactly what to do to bring down your barriers. It’s like replaying the highlight reel of your past relationship’s sex life. All the passion, with none of the expectations and disappointment. The best part for him, once your old feelings start to resurface all he has an exit strategy; bring up the reasons why your previous relationship fell apart. It feels good for now but he has a point, you guys would never work in the long term. Maybe he’s not Mr. Right but he can be Mr. Right Now until you find somebody better. You totally don’t still have feelings for him – well maybe a little – but you’re strong enough to not let it interfere when you meet the right guy…

    There are other, more extreme, cases but there are 2 characteristics they all hold in common. The female is emotionally vulnerable and the guy is setting himself up to play the savior.

    A lot of people like to rag on guys to fall into the friend zone but the sad fact is – as long as they don’t make it an issue – there’s a small chance it’ll eventually play out in their favor.

    There’s some truth behind friends who make pacts to get married if they’re both still single at a certain age. Office workers hook up, have affairs, get hitched with people from work. Settle with a less attractive guy because he’ll be ‘less likely to cheat.’ People love to make up creative origin stories but – dig a little deeper – and you’ll probably discover that many relationships started with one person settling with whoever was available at the right time.

    There’s a simple way to avoid ‘friend zone’ creeps. Make sure he acknowledge that he’s in the friend zone. If his intentions disingenuous, he’ll likely give up and move on.

    Don’t get me wrong, some guys really enjoy having a few close yet completely platonic relationships with women, even when there’s some underlying sexual tension (I know I do). Just ensure that the guy has other options and isn’t hopelessly holding out for one girl.

  4. Reed October 17, 2013 at 7:43 am #

    This is happening to me right now. There is a girl I have a crush on from freshman year. one year later and we started talking a lot and I even admitted that I like her. over the past month we have been flirting and cuddling occasionally despite the other guys that want to date her but wont ask.

    She did give me a little talk, and the key is that she says she wants to date but because of her last boyfriend almost caused her to flunk out she won’t right away. I’ve decided to keep what we were doing, the flirting and good friends thing and its working,and we are getting closer relationship wise.

    I just wanted to say that I am excited that I am doing something right and there are other people out there that say it can work.

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