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Getting Rid of My Ghost

3 Aug

About two weeks ago I was informed that Mr. Not Quite Right just bought a house that he is now living in with his girlfriend. The reaction this news prompted in me was amazing. I was immediately just so, so sad and honestly felt a little sick. Didn’t I break up with this guy because he was a bit of a disaster? What happened to the guy who spent all his money on beer and whose top priority was partying with his friends? This questioning lead me to think – did I blow it? Should I have continued to put up with the insecurities and the jealousy and the partying, because heck, no one is perfect?

Yea, this is a great thing to be thinking about on a Friday night, let me tell you…

So naturally my next line of thinking was – why the FUCK am I still thinking about this guy? I am a rational and logical person and, as a rational and logical person, I should know better than to be sitting around thinking about a situation I have no control over. He and I are done. It doesn’t matter if I was right or wrong – it’s done. Move the fuck on, self!

So, I told myself to forget about it and go out for the night.

But guess what – it’s not that easy. You can’t out-logic your emotions and the next day, when I was telling my Mom about this news, I broke down and started crying. For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know I am not a crier. I prefer to address situations with wit and/or hostility (…healthy!). So my reaction to a relationship that has been dead for almost a year and a half, surprised even me. Who knew I was still harboring so much emotion about this? Clearly I am a haunted woman.

And this is when I decided it is going to take a lot more than just telling myself to “get over it” to rid myself of this particular ghost. It doesn’t matter that it is irrational and inconvenient to still have feelings for this guy. The fact of the matter is, seeing his best friends every week at our kickball league – hurts. Hearing about all of his accomplishments from said friends – kills. And driving by places we used to go together -just plain  sucks. I am surrounded by people, places and things that remind me of him even if they shouldn’t.  And I’m fucking over it.

Drastic measures need to be taken. I am petrified that I am going to be 35, single, still living in PB, still hanging out with his friends, and still wishing that our pathetic little relationship had lasted.

I figure my options for becoming ghost free are as follows:

A. Force all of his friends to move. Possibilities include starting nasty rumors about them, reporting them to their landlords for illegal pets and/or drugs, or unleashing some sort of horrible virus near each of their homes.

B. Never leave my house again. Since pretty much every bar and restaurtant in the immedaite area reminds me of him or comes with the possibility of running into him, I am only safe while sitting in my living room.

C. Continue to mope and cry like a loser.

or D. Move.

Option D seems the least complicated (where does one find a virus anyway?) so moving it is. I am going a whole whopping 20 minutes away, but it’s better than nothing. In my new home I will have a new kickball league, sans the ex’s friends. I’ll be able to go out to dinner, go for a run, go grab a drink, without thinking about when he and I were at that restaurant, park or bar. And I’ll be surrounded by people who have never even heard Mr. Not Quite Right’s name and who will have no reason to know it now. The truth is, I don’t know if it will help, but it certainly can’t hurt.

If I am being honest, there are a whole lot of other good reasons, non-boy related, to move. (It’ll cut my work commute in half, it’s closer to my family, it is a bit of an older scene…) But I like being able to finally admit that this break-up has made me sad. Being stoic is exhausting and apparently getting me nowhere. So instead, I’ll just be honest and proactive. And maybe, just maybe, a change in scenery will help me meet someone I will never have to get over. A girl can dream, right?

So, without further ado – peace out Pacific Beach. It’s been real. Hello, Del Mar. Here’s to a happy and healthy relationship for us…

24 Responses to “Getting Rid of My Ghost”

  1. Greg August 3, 2011 at 6:48 am #

    I get jealous too when I hear about an ex getting married or someone that I like especially when they could not take that next step with you. Then I start thinking I am getting old, I need to find someone, what is wrong with me, etc. It happens to all of us who arent married or seriously dating someone.

    Most people in PB are into the bars and party scene. I mean really, why else would you live within walking distance of the bars? It is not b/c you dont drink…Del Mar will be good. It is more of an older crowd who is more serious about dating and into more than just drinking. It’s an updated.

  2. Ripper August 3, 2011 at 7:19 am #

    Haha funny post. She’s got jokes this Cali Bradshaw. I think you can do better anyways. For sure! Guy was a loser anyways.

    • Cali Bradshaw August 4, 2011 at 2:47 am #

      Haha glad you think I’m funny! This post was actually kinda hard for me to write as I feel like it is one of my more personal ones. But I still wanted to have a little fun with it :) Thanks for reading, dear friend.

      • Ripper August 4, 2011 at 6:16 am #

        I know it was personal. I thank you so much for that.

  3. CE Lovetalk August 3, 2011 at 4:13 pm #

    Sighh… I’m not going to lie, it does hurt when guys you have dated in the past that were not so good for you end up happy with someone else. You always have that what if I had stayed thought and then you end up a little bit jealous. But seriously…don’t be! It didn’t work out for you and him for a reason, and clearly his issues didn’t go away over night. Maybe his new girl doesn’t mind dating an alcoholic partier who has issues. Hey, there is someone for everyone…I’m learning! In the end, you just have to remind yourself that A. You’re Amazing! B. Never settle even if you are getting older and C. Keep hope alive! I am also learning that finding the ones takes a lot of lonely nights and patients. So screw him and let his new GF deal with all the issues that you couldn’t stand.

    • Cali Bradshaw August 4, 2011 at 2:45 am #

      Ah thank you so much for this comment! Actually, my mom said something similar. She reminded me that buying a house doesn’t make him any less of an alcoholic or any more secure. And you are right, there is someone for everyone. Perhaps little Kristle is happy to put up with this behavior. I like your ABC reminders and I shall do just that. Thanks for the comment :)

      • KatG August 28, 2011 at 2:25 pm #

        You don’t want to be haunted by any guy who would date someone named “Kristle” anyway.

        Good luck, girl!

  4. princesabin August 3, 2011 at 4:42 pm #

    How did I get over it? I still don’t know. The last relationship I was in was a month long…it was a fairytale for that short while and I’m having stupid dreams about her.

    When you find out, will you let me know? I’m thinking I need to move out of state and start over.

    • Cali Bradshaw August 4, 2011 at 2:43 am #

      Sometimes I have found that the short but magical relationships are the hardest to get over. That’s how me and my ex were too. We only dated for two whole months but he was already telling me he loved me and I was practically living at his house. The feelings were real, even if I ended it quickly. In any case, I’ll let you know if the move is effective.

      Thanks for reading!

  5. Stephanie August 4, 2011 at 12:05 am #

    Ugh. I totally understand this. I feel the same way every time I hear about someone I know getting married. First of all, the guy sounded icky — trust your gut, you did the right thing. Of course we look back with regret and second guess ourselves because we want the pain to stop.

    I am in the same boat you are and feel like I’ll end up 35 with tons of cats (even though I don’t like them!)…but the right guy will come along. This is cliche — but focus on yourself and lead a fulfilling life and the guy will come. Also, I’ve been told to make new (my own) memories in the spots I used to hang out with my ex so I don’t have to feel like I can never go back there.

    But moving is definitely a choice. I tend to cut out people in common with exes because I know how I get and I’d rather have no contact with anything or anyone that reminds me of an ex.

    • Cali Bradshaw August 4, 2011 at 2:38 am #

      Thanks so much for your comment and for telling me to trust my gut. It’s interesting, because all my friends have always told me that I was a hundred percent right in doing what I did and that he and I weren’t going to work out. But somehow, hearing the same thing from you and my other readers actually has more meaning. If you think he sounds icky just from this, imagine if I actually shared the extent of how bad it got! So thank you for validating me.

      I also laughed about your cats comment. I have the same fear despite my dislike for cats as well. This little stray cat was always coming around so I started feeding it, which only made me even more afraid of becoming a cat woman. Le sigh.

      Great advice and thanks for reading.

      • Laura August 4, 2011 at 4:39 pm #

        Wow, that is a really bold move! Good luck. I have been contemplating a move for similar reasons (and my ex just moved so now he’s two blocks away, which is nothing in NYC!), but haven’t been able to go through with it yet. I think it’s always good to meet new people and rebuild yourself after a breakup.

        • Cali Bradshaw August 6, 2011 at 5:01 pm #

          Thank you, Laura. I feel really good about it. I think meeting new people and developing a new circle of friends is always hard work, but rewarding in the end. And I am truly looking forward to what his new chapter will bring. Thanks for reading and let me know what you decide to do! 2 blocks is painful…

      • Stephanie August 6, 2011 at 10:43 pm #

        I randomly stumbled onto your blog and I really like what you have to say. Being around the same age and going through the horrible dating scene (which older people always tell me, ‘thank god, i’m not your age now, i don’t know what i would do!’), I can totally relate.

        I got out of a two year relationship about 7 months ago and I know how one can easily fill up with regret and second guessing…and I keep going through that here and there even though I know our breakup was the best thing.

        But anyway, your blog is helping me…and I’m glad I could help you :)So keep on truckin’!

  6. Anna August 4, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    I have to tell you that moving was the best thing I ever did to help me get over my last relationship. Am I completely over it? No, but the change of scenery has done wonders for me, and now I can actually move on with my life, both romantically and non-romantically. It’s amazing what a change in routine can do! So from experience I can say that it works! It won’t solve the problem completely, but it will help in the most fantastic way, so I wish you luck! :)

    • Cali Bradshaw August 6, 2011 at 5:03 pm #

      That is wonderful to hear and that is exactly what I am hoping for! It is my attempt to hit the re-fresh button on my life. Not that my life is bad by any means, but I just feel like it is time for a change :) Thanks for reading and for the encouragement. Everyone’s support has meant so much to me!

  7. Catherine August 4, 2011 at 2:44 pm #

    You should definitely read “Meeting Your Half Orange.” It’ll change your life. I swear!

  8. Emi August 5, 2011 at 10:20 pm #

    Great post!
    But let me tell you… moving did not work for me!
    My job leads me to a new city every 6 months… I had an amazing relationship in one of these cities with a good man who has the same job as me. We pratically lived together at the same hotel room for 5 months, travelled together and everything… I went all in (Stupid, i know..)
    Well… The job changed, i moved, and here i am… 3 months later, he is the first thing i think about when i wake up… Nothing reminds me of him.. I remind myself… It sucks!
    The change might distract you a bit, but there is always this feeling…
    Time is the best (and the only) healer, i think…

    *please don’t notice my bad english.. i am not american

    • Cali Bradshaw August 6, 2011 at 5:00 pm #

      Thanks for the comment, Emi. Good to hear your perspective! I think you are right and I am realistic that I won’t just be over it the first day I get there. But I think that having less constant reminders will help… But you are so right about time. I was actually just reflecting on that the other day. I remember a time when I would have laughed at someone who told me that one day I would no longer be in love with D. Now I laugh thinking how silly I was to have thought that was love. So hopefully, with enough time, that’s how I’ll feel about this break-up.

      Thanks for your comment and your english was wonderful :)

  9. Otto August 9, 2011 at 5:56 pm #

    Remember to buy some cats for the new flat. But that’s the problem with women in general, if you are a casual guy who’s into parties its all fun and games at first, then it’s childish and not moving anywhere. But when you are planning ahead and think about a future together you are rushing, creepy, possessive, presumptuous and well, boring.

    I wish you girls would stop thinking about relationships all the time and over-analyize everything in it. I got summers where I just party every weekend, and I got summers where I work almost exclusively on my projects. And got dumped for both! Lesson learnt, only casual sex for me and if I’m too old, I’m gonna buy hookers.

  10. VicT August 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm #

    Cali, I know how you feel. And I recently read this essay and found it both amusing and true. Enjoy.


  11. Batman August 13, 2011 at 7:35 pm #

    Batman has some advise… first of, funny funny post, witty if not anything else. now if you do want to get a hold of a virus here is how you do it :

    1 go to your yellow pages and find a help group for some god forsaken virus..

    2 attend said meeting ( batman never said there would be no risk)

    3 explain to a person that you need some of their blood(this part may be tricky)

    4 proceed to bribe said person( even more tricky !)

    5 now carefully take your receptacle filled with blood and yeah….you got a virus ! ( try to keep it refrigerated)

    now this is all rather quite complex… so i would suggest…you just keep blogging till its all out of your head and it all makes sense in the light of day again. :) BATMAN OUT ! nanananananan !

  12. Roxie January 8, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

    Hi Cali! I actually just made a BIG move about 1500 miles away. I am in LA now. Part of my move was career, new lifestyle and weather but another part was to try and forget about my ex too. Change of scenery really helps you find yourself and grow. I too am close to your age – 27 now. We are in our prime girl! We should live it up and stop wasting our energy trying to figure out these boys! When it’s meant to be it will happen. Good luck and love your blog!

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