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Friends with Benefits: The 7 Commandments.

9 Sep

Guest Post By Laney

So much for sensible; I’ve had a handful of sleepovers with Mr. Nice Guy over the past few weeks. Apparently, I have a friend with benefits. Yes, I’m as skeptical as you are. Though, this one kind of works—I know everyone says that—but hear me out. It works, because if I’m being 100% truthful, we are not actually friends. We’re friendly, but we are not friends. He doesn’t call me for advice. I don’t call him to get lunch. We don’t G-Chat when we’re bored at work.

So, for now, I’m considering this FWB situation a success. My rules for making it work?

The  7 Commandments for being FWB:

1) Thou Shalt Keep it Real with Thyself
Like, actually be honest. None of this “I swear, I don’t like him” shit. For a situation to be FWB-friendly, you have to be friends (or friendly), not more. Check your feelings at the door, or reconsider. After Mr. Nice Guy’s initial booty call, I did some serious internal thinking on how I felt about the situation, and I’m confident that I do not want to be with slash date slash any other commitment-oriented verb him. If I did, the sex would be better. It’s good (obviously, or I wouldn’t be doing this in the first place), but when we actually had feelings for each other, it was great, ya dig?

2) Thou Shalt be Honest with Him
And demand honesty in return. Some conversations can be extremely uncomfortable, but as far as I’m concerned, these situations are only survivable when both people are on the same page about what’s going on. If anything feels off, bolt. Before we had any repeat performances, Mr. Nice Guy and I sat down for a very awkward yet open conversation about why he was showing up at my house in the middle of the night, repeatedly. It boiled down pretty positively and we ended up realizing that both of us were down for a physical relationship. Then we laid out what we would and would not be comfortable with, and unofficially built some parameters for our new situation. Since we used to date, I feel like I know him pretty well, and I trust he’ll stick to his end of the bargain.

3) Thou Shalt Keep Some Distance.
We don’t discuss serious topics, how anything makes us feel, or seek advice from each other. Sure, those are typically girly things to do, so I take most of the onus for this rule. He is not there to be an emotional support system. Neither are you, for that matter.

4) Thou Shalt Not Put Him First.
I made a deal with myself that I would never, ever leave my current plans to accommodate his call. If Mr. Nice Guy texts me at midnight and I’m still out and about, he can wait. Putting him first is a hop, skip and a jump away from being emotionally invested. Actually, it’s the first sign that you’re ill with feelings. Careful.

5) Thou Shalt Keep the Physical Contact (outside of the bedroom) to a Minimum.
When we’re not getting down, we’re not really all up in each other’s business. This isn’t something we chatted about when we decided we were ok being bed-buddies, but over the weeks, it’s something I’ve noticed and I think it’s a good point. There’s no hello or goodbye kiss. We cuddle, but only when we’re still horizontal. We’ve sort of created a separate set of rules for bed-world versus the real world. It’s nice to have a noticeable distinction. It keeps things, as much as possible, from getting muddled together.

6) Thou Shalt Suggest No Dinner, No Breakfast.
These are not dates. We don’t need to grab any meals other than a possible drunken late-night burrito.

7) Thou Shalt Keep Secrets.
Secrets don’t make friends, but they sure do make great FWBs. I haven’t told anyone (well, except you, dear internet) about him. There are two reasons for this: 1) Telling people only opens a dialog for questions. And judgements. And all kinds of nonsense that confuses lust and love type emotions. And frankly, I don’t need that clouding up my mind and ruining my post-sex endorphin high. 2) Let’s be honest, secrets are hot.

Of course, the qualities to look for in a make-out buddy also apply quite nicely.

Thou shalt hump responsibly,

8 Responses to “Friends with Benefits: The 7 Commandments.”

  1. Evan September 11, 2013 at 1:33 am #

    Nice… Don’t forget to have fun.

    Sounds like you’re doing everything right. Expectations are set, communication is open, if things go south no friendships will be lost.

    The sex can be as good or better than relationship sex but in a different way. Be risque, try new things, experiment, be seductive, enticing. There are no forced expectations to screw with your head, and no outside influences to cast judgement. Feel free to live completely in the moment.

    • Laney September 11, 2013 at 4:21 pm #

      Fun, of course! I was hoping that would go without saying… don’t follow ANY of these rules if it isn’t fun!

      Thanks for the pat on the back! Sadly, he’s not the right guy for all that ‘trying new stuff’ you mentioned. He’s a little… vanilla. But I think that’s good for me right now. I would hate to get my sexual-experimentation/liberation high confused with feelings.

      • Evan September 11, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

        It’s probably a good idea to take baby steps when you’re exploring new territory. Hopefully, you get to experience more than just the typical after-hours drunk hookup.

        There’s so much fun to be had. Nothing quite like the mischevious amusement you feel while fixing breakfast on the kitchen counter you ‘accidentally’ defiled the night before in a heated fit of passion.

        I have something similar going on at the moment but I’ve never had the opportunity to see how it works from a female perspective. I guess you could say I’m living vicariously through you.

        • Laney September 11, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

          It’s not that we need baby steps, it’s just that he, and he and I together, are not meant for that.

          Enjoy it while you have it, my friend! I will just warn you this though, for me, it’s very difficult to get caught up in a fit of passion without having an emotional connection or deeper trust of my partner. I’ve only ever been able to visit that new territory or get swept up in that much passion with people I was serious about. Maybe that’s just me though. Just keep aware that men and women are different, and keep up the communication to make sure you guys are always on the same page! Follow the rules ;)

  2. Dan September 11, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    Haha this is really creative

    • Laney September 11, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

      Thanks :)

  3. Noelle July 11, 2014 at 12:22 pm #

    Oh how I wish I had read this BEFORE becoming FWB with my best friend! But hey, at least now I know!

    btw I just spent the last two hours on this blog and I’m in love. xo

    • Cali Bradshaw July 20, 2014 at 6:35 pm #

      Thanks love! So glad you’re enjoying it and good luck with the bestie! Xo

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